Long Post for a Rainy Day

God has been breaking me and chipping away at my pride lately. I know that I mentioned this earlier, but God has truly shown me how arrogant I've been in my relationship with Him.

I've always had this mindset that I'm supposed to be doing something great for God. That in my power, I'll be able to do some big thing for Him. That was my problem: I was doing stuff for God...or attempting to at least.

That's backwards. Because if I did these things, I know who would get the glory. Yes, I could try to hide it with pretty words saying that I was doing it all in God's name. But honestly, no, I wouldn't be. So, instead of focusing on what I can do for God, I'm focusing on who God is.

I mean I always studied my Bible with the thoughts of how I could become a better Christian. But instead, I should have been studying to find God, to seek my God. And I've been doing that a lot lately.

Seeking God, the One this life is all about.

Because it's not about me. It's never been about me. But I still have the audacity to tell God that it is. To quarrel with my Maker. To even think that I may know better than Him. I feel so small. I read Isaiah 40. Go read it...it's humbling. Wow...wow. I have no right to talk to God the way that I do.

Lately, I've been really struggling with trusting God with the future. I don't know what's going to happen with my summer...let alone after college. And a lot of times, I've found myself demanding God to give me His plan for my life. But then I feel really stupid because who am I to talk to God like that? Seriously, who am I to tell God what to do?


I guess another blow to my pride has been learning I didn't get a job that I wanted. Honestly, the circumstances seem a bit unfair. I really have never wanted anything so badly before. The job wasn't just about hanging out with kids in the youth group all day.

To me, it was about serving. I would honestly do it for free if I could. Because I've come to realize that I'm passionate about people...especially middle schoolers. I seriously love them, and I told my friend this. She said I was downright crazy (but I already knew that.)

I'm a people person in that I like listening to people. I could care less about talking about myself, and I'm uncomfortable when I do. That's not my thing. I would much rather listen. Learn about them.

I remember reading in Matthew about how Jesus was going through the desert, and after being tempted by Satan, angels came and ministered to Him. They came and served Him. Because ministry is service, and that's what God's been calling me to for a long time.

To serving people.
To loving them.
To building relationships.
To listening to their stories.
To laughing and crying with them.
To proclaiming who God is and what He does.

Because that is true ministry in my opinion.